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MILITARY JOKES

Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!



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The true meaning of army: Aren’t Ready for Marines Yet

- PVT Minnerly



6

A MARINE SGT. E-5 WAS RECENTLY DISCHARGED AND ENROLLED IN COLLEGE TO STUDY RELIGION FACTIONS AROUND THE WORLD. THE PROFESSOR WAS EXPLAINING THAT THERE IS NO GOD. TO PROVE THIS HE SHOUTED 3 TIMES, THAT IF THERE WAS A GOD THEN GOD SHOULD KNOCK HIM OFF THE STAGE. AFTER THE 3RD TIME - THE MARINE AROSE AND WENT TO THE STAGE - THERE HE PROMPTLY LAID OUT THE PROFESSOR. UPON RECOVERING, THE PROFESSOR EXCLAIMED,"WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?" THE MARINE REPLIED GOD WAS BUSY SO HE SENT ME." SEMPER FI !!

- MILKE DEMARCO



5

A Soldier and Marine were arguing about which branch was better. Eventually, the Marine hollers, "Well, the Marine Corps invented sex." The Soldier think for awhile and retaliates with, "That may be true... But we introduced it to women."

- Army_Strong_1776



5

They say if you put a Marine in a round room with a steel ball they will either loose it, break it, or get it pregnant.

- Matthew



5

What 1SGT's live for... One night here in Iraq, a 1LT went to visit the 1SGT for a chat in his living area. The LT entered the room and placed his weapon against the corner. He left about 15-20 minutes later (weapon NOT in hand) The 1SGT patiently waited about 30 minutes to see if the LT would get his ‘defecation in sequence’. Then, the 1SGT proceeded to disassemble the LT’s weapon and distributed the parts among the living areas of the rest of the unit. “Don’t you just love it when a 1SGT Training Plan comes together…

- Richard Martin, Maj Inf (R) USAR



5

NATO Commander in the desert. asked a group of troops. "if you found a scorpion in your tent. What would you do?" ARMY said "I would throw a boot at it." Marine said" I would pick it up by the tail/stinger & eat it. Air Force said "I would call Room service & ask why is there a tent in my Room?"

- Richard Jones



5

A lieutenant was searching through his pockets trying to find a quarter to make a phone call home, from the pay phone at the P.X. While searching his pockets a group of privates come walking in to the P.X. the lieutenant stopped one of the and ask "private do you have change for a dollar?"

Private replies "yea, sure do." and pulls out 4 quarters and offers it to the lieutenant. The lieutenant says to the private "lets try this again, and when you answer this time, end your statement with SIR! Do you understand" private says "yes sir!" so the lieutenant ask the private again "Private, do you have change for a dollar?" Private says "NO, SIR!"

- Marshall Grant



4

Prvt Andrews entered the service on July 17th 1958. On the the first day he was issued a comb. That afternoon his head was shaved. On the second day he was issued a tooth brush. That afternoon the post dentist pulled two of his teeth. On the third day he was issued a jock strap...Prvt Andrews was never seen or heard from again.

- Matthews



4

As we all know so well. Each of the services has it's own acronym... Funny thing is no body knew of one for the Air Force.... until now... A(ny) I(diot) R(eenlisting) For C(ivilian) E(mployment)

- Bob



4

So I was in an airshow a while back, and I noticed that there was a USMC booth. There was three pairs of marines in the booth and two sets of pull up bars. I wanted to go but I realized I was too short. So I just stuck with the Air Force booth...

- Stoopid d00d



4

USMC: Uncle Sam's Misguided Children

- Liviu Negulescu



4

The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American Servicemen marry women in the countries where they're stationed. Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it. Once the men rotated back to the US, all their in-laws were thousands of miles away.

- Justin Kranzel



3

A Marine enters a barbershop for a haircut and a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, the Marine mentions that he always has problems getting a close shave around the cheeks, that it looks sloppy and distracts from his appearance.

"I have just the thing", says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.
"Just get a wooden ball like this and place it between your cheek and gum". "Here, let me show you how well it works".

The Marine places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds to give him the closest shave the Marine has ever experienced. After a few more strokes the Marine starts thinking about the ball in his mouth. So he asks in garbled speech: "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem", says the barber,
"Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

- Chris Prucell



3

A crusty navy chief just retired and was looking for a job in the civilian industry. He came across an ad from the Hotel Astor, they were looking for a driver to transport people from the Pennsylvania Railroad Station to the hotel. The Chief applied for the job and they explained to him what his job would entail, and instructed him that when people started getting off the train, he would be required to yell in a loud voice.....FREE BUS TO THE HOTEL ASTOR. While driving to the train station, he kept repeating to himself, ...FREE BUS TO THE HOTEL ASTOR, he didnt want to mess it up and lose his job on the first day. Upon arrival of the first train, a huge crowd of people started getting off the train, the driver suddenly became very excited and jumped out of the bus snd started yelling lowdly,....FREE ASS AT THE HOTEL BUSTER....i mean ...FREE HOTEL AT THE BUST YOUR ASTOR.....i mean ...BUST YOUR ASS AT THE HOTEL FREEZER.....i mean....FREEZE YOUR ASS AT THE HOTEL BASTARD.....imean....FREE HOTEL ASS BUSTER....i mean .... KISS MY ASS YOU BASTARDS AND TAKE A STREET CAR,.....I QUIT

- Gene Newsome



3

While on duty in Vietnam. the news came on over the armed forces radio. The news reporter said the time for the ARMY & AIR FORCE was 18 hundred hours. For the NAVY that would be six bells. For civilians it was six PM and for the Marines, the little hand is on the six and the big hand is on the twelve.

- the last stand



3

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Military Jokes

True story- Also in 1998 SFAS. We had a land nav course in the day. Everyone was given a cem light. When you got to your first point you were to attach the cem light to the stake and light it for our night land nav course later on. It was the first day of land nav so it was really just orienting us. Well, I wasn't paying attention to what the points looked like I just heard him say they were painted with white stripes. Then on top of that, I held my protractor wrong when plotting. The sleep deprivation was getting to me and I plotted all my points wrong. So for 3 hrs I'm not finding anything finally I come across a tree with a large white stripe painted on it and it had a dog tag with a number nailed to it. So I said finally this must be it. I wrote down the number lit the cem light and then found the finish point. When I turned in my paper he said I don't know what this number is go to remedial training. Well, I fixed my mistakes for the night land nav. The next morning we were sitting around and someone said Man I fell in the creek last night going to a point. The bad thing was it wasn't even my point some A-hole put a cem light on a tree.

- J Legendre

True story- It was 1998 I went to SFAS in Ft Bragg to try out for Green Beret (didn't make it, but tried twice). There's a 25 obstacle course and any mess up on an obstacle you have to repeat it so it was a smoker. At the end 24th obstacle was called the worm pit. It was a rope you swing into a 2ft deep pit of muddy water and you crawl for about 15 ft before your out. Later that day we were sitting around recovering and someone put up their hand and said Be honest guys how many of you drank some of the water in the worm pit. There was a lot of laughter and some raised their hands and said they did. I then raised my hand and said how many of you pissed in it.

- J Legendre

True story- I was a SGT then. We were in the field when another SGT decided to trick my private and told him to go ask SGT MAJ for a box of grid squares for the Land Nav course later. I let him go but was sort of annoyed. My private came back about 30 mins later and told the SGT that SGT MAJ was pissed and wanted to see him right now. He was laughing and left to go find SGT MAJ. I asked my private if he was really mad. He said I never found him. I found the supply SGT and he told me they were F-ing with me. I couldn't stop laughing. Turns out SGT MAJ wasn't around so all good for everyone, and the SGT who got his joke flipped on him laughed about it too.

- J Legendre

A LT walked up to a SGT jumping up and down on top of a manhole saying the number 3 after every jump. The LT yelled What are you doing SGT? Nothing Sir just seeing how high I can jump while on this manhole. The LT shook his head and said Well that's not high at all. Get out the way and let me show you how to do it. The SGT moved and the LT jumped real high in the air. As he did the SGT removed the manhole cover and the LT fell down into it. He then replaced the cover and started jumping again saying 4, 4, 4.

- J Legendre

The c.i.a. Was looking for the best candidate to fill a spot on a field team. So he recruited 4 of the best he could find. An Army ranger, Air Force P.J., Navy seal, and a Recon Marine. He told them “you must find your own way to this beach head for 0600 tomorrow morning, there you will be tested like never before”. The Ranger patrols up, the spook hands him a 9mm and says “see that cabin over there, you wife is in there take the gun and shoot her”. The ranger hands the gun back and says “I love her too much I can’t do that”. The P.J. parachutes in, and is presented with the same task. He walks in the cabin and walks directly back out. “I can’t do it she has been there for me through everything, I love her”. Next the seal swims up to the beach head. And again presented with the same task. The seal goes in the cabin for about 20 minutes. When he comes out he says “I tried talking myself into it but I just couldn’t do it, because I love her too much”. The Recon Marine jumps out of a plane, parachutes into the ocean, disconnecting the chute before hitting the water and fins to the beach. Again he is presented with the same task, without even thinking about it the Marine grabs the gun, runs to the cabin and all you can hear is 6 to 8 shots ring out. Then a pause and a whole bunch of screaming and shrieking. The Recon Marine walks out of the cabin covered in blood. He hands the weapon back to the spook and says “some asshole put blanks in that gun, so I had to use my K-bar”!!!!

- Sgt. Grady

NATO Commander in the desert. asked a group of troops. "if you found a scorpion in your tent. What would you do?" ARMY said "I would throw a boot at it." Marine said" I would pick it up by the tail/stinger & eat it. Air Force said "I would call Room service & ask why is there a tent in my Room?"

- Richard Jones

USMC: Uncle Sam's Misguided Children

- Liviu Negulescu

ARMY: A Recruiter Misled You

- Liviu Negulescu

One day a general came into town. “Everyone obey me!” he yelled. But the towns people all just shrugged. Then the general yelled again “do push ups!”. The towns people just shrugged again. Wait a minute, is everyone married? Then the townspeople’s wives looked out the window. Wink wink.

- Joseph Kreis Jr.

Sgt. Charles came into the bunk and and was so disgusted by the smell of the recruits that he barfed all over his boots. “Get up you sacks of lazy bones” he bellowed. No one moved. He was in the privy!

- Peter OcConnell

U.S.M.C.= United States Mommy's Crybabies

- Frank Gallardo U.S. ARMY

The meaning of U.S.M.C. is: United States Misguided Children

- Frank Gallardo U.S. ARMY

The ARMY said to the marines. Eat the apple and the Hell with the Corp

- Frank Gallardo U.S. ARMY

The True Meaning of the ARMY. Ain't Reject Marine Yet. When do you become a reject marine. When you join the marines

- Frank Gallardo U.S. Army

What 1SGT's live for... One night here in Iraq, a 1LT went to visit the 1SGT for a chat in his living area. The LT entered the room and placed his weapon against the corner. He left about 15-20 minutes later (weapon NOT in hand) The 1SGT patiently waited about 30 minutes to see if the LT would get his ‘defecation in sequence’. Then, the 1SGT proceeded to disassemble the LT’s weapon and distributed the parts among the living areas of the rest of the unit. “Don’t you just love it when a 1SGT Training Plan comes together…

- Richard Martin, Maj Inf (R) USAR

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  1. Deepin file manager
  2. Cricket watch plan
  3. North canton flowers

StrategyPage's Military Jokes and Military Humor

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Rangers Versus Special Forces: Hostage Rescue

Discussion Board on this Military Joke



The Chief of Staff of the Army asked his Sergeant Major, who was both Ranger and Special Forces qualified, which organization he would recommend to form a new anti-terrorist unit. The Sergeant Major responded to the General's question with this parable: If there were a hijacked Boeing 747 being held by terrorists along with its passengers and crew and an anti-terrorist unit formed either by the Rangers or the Special Forces was given a Rescue/Recovery Mission; what would you expect to happen?

Ranger Option

Forces/Equipment Committed: If the Rangers went in, they would send a Ranger company of 120 men with standard army issue equipment.

Mission Preparation: The Ranger Company First Sergeant would conduct a Hair Cut and Boots Inspection, while the officers consulted SOPs and held sand table exercises.

Infiltration Technique: They would insist on double timing, in company formation, wearing their combat equipment, and singing cadence all the way to the site of the hijacked aircraft.

Actions in the Objective Area: Once they arrived, the Ranger company would establish their ORP, put out security elements, conduct a leaders recon, reapply their camouflage, and conduct final preparations for Actions on the OBJ.

Results of Operation: The Rescue/Recovery Operation would be completed within one hour; all of the terrorists and most of the passengers would have been killed, the Rangers would have sustained light casualties and the 747 would be worthless to anyone except a scrap dealer.

Special Forces Option

Forces/Equipment Committed: If Special Forces went in, they would send only a 12 man team (all SF units are divisible by 12 for some arcane historical reason) however, due to the exotic nature of their equipment the SF Team would cost the same amount to deploy as the Ranger Company.

Mission Preparation: The SF Team Sergeant would request relaxed grooming standards for the team.

Infiltration Technique: The team would insist on separate travel orders with Max Per Diem, and each would get to the site of the hijacking by his own means. At least one third of the team would insist on jumping in HALO.

Actions in the Objective Area: Once they arrived , the SF Team would cache their military uniforms, establish a Team Room at the best hotel in the area, use their illegal Team Fund to stock the unauthorized Team Room Bar, check out the situation by talking to the locals, and have a Team Meeting to discuss the merits of the terrorists' cause.

Results of Operation: The Rescue/Recovery Operation would take two weeks to complete and by that time all of the terrorists would have been killed, (and would have left signed confessions); the passengers would be ruined psychologically for the remainder of their lives; and all of the women passengers would be pregnant. The 747 would be essentially unharmed, the team would have taken no casualties but would have used up, lost, or stolen all the "high speed" equipment issued to them.




Sours: https://www.strategypage.com/humor/articles/military_jokes_20054221.asp
jokes - Russian special forces in action

Military Jokes and Humor

Joking within the military branches of service is as old as this country itself. Each branch of service as well as different MOS or rating have different rules and jokes made about them. Here are a few classics:

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”.

The Army will post guards around the place.

The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.

The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
How the Military Uses the Word "Suck".

Army Infantry: An Army grunt stands in the rain with a pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having marched 15 miles, and says, "This sucks."

Army Ranger: An Army Airborne Ranger stands waist deep in the rain with a pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 30 miles, and says with a smile, "This sucks just fine!"
Army Special Forces: A Special Forces soldier lies in the mud, pack on his back,
weapon in hand, after swimming to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, while biting the head of a snake "This really sucks, I wish it could suck more....."
Air Force: An Air Force Pilot flying over the battlefield, the rain is pouring down,
looks down at the soldiers below and says: "Sure sucks down there!"
Navy: A Naval Officer, sips his coffee, eats a donut on the bridge of the ship as it rains outside looks to the shore and says: “Sure does suck over there.”
Air Force Officer: An Air Force officer sits in an easy chair in his air conditioned,
carpeted BOQ room and says to his friend, "Man.. Cable's out! This sucks!"
U.S. Marine Corps Rules:

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
14. There are some assholes in the world that just need to be shot.
15. Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet.
16. Engage your brain before you engage your weapon.

The last three rules are courtesy of General Mattis.

Navy SEALS Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

Ten rules to live by: (From Admiral Bill McCraven)

  1. Start your day with a task completed
  2. You cannot go it alone
  3. Only the size of your heart matters
  4. Life is not fair, drive on.
  5. Failure can make you stronger
  6. You must dare greatly
  7. Stand up to bullies
  8. Rise to the occasion
  9. Give people hope
  10. Never, ever quit

U.S. Army Rangers Rules:

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

U.S. Army Rules:

1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew patches on right shoulder.
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.

U.S. Army Special Forces Rules:
1. Always look cool.
2. Always know where you are.
3. If you do not know where you are - look cool.

US Air Force Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.

US Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
4. Deploy the Marines.

Sours: https://www.thebalanceeveryday.com/military-jokes-and-humor-3354498

Forces jokes special

Special Forces Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The DOD was putting together a new special forces unit...

In response to rising global tensions the Department of Defense decided a new, elite top secret unit was needed. Recruits were assembled from the special forces units of all branches.

A panel of generals, high level intelligence officers and congressmen is formed to begin interviews. The firs...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three special forces men are out camping one evening.

An army ranger, navy seal, and green beret are sitting at the campfire swapping tough guy stories.

The army ranger pipes up by bragging, "One time I had to parachute 4 miles behind enemy lines, take out a platoon of enemy soldiers, and escape with fifty pounds of intel strapped to my back."...

What do parrots call their special forces?

What do you call the walrus special forces group?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a special forces competition...

And USA, Russia and China got into the finals.

For the finals, the question was this:
Go into the forest, and find the rabbit.

So the Russians went first.

They brought with them 100 of their finest and searched the whole forest, inch by inch they looked for traces of the rabb...

What do you call a special forces guy that shaves everything?

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman try to join the special forces.

For the final test the men are each given a gun and told they must go into a room and kill their wife. First the englishman goes in and after 5 minutes comes out crying saying he just cant do it. The scotsman goes in next and after 10 minutes he come out crying that he just cant do it. Finally the i...

Infantry Vs Special Forces

A Special Forces A-team and a group of Infantry Officers take a train to a conference. Each Infantry Officer holds a ticket. But the entire A-team has only one ticket for a single passenger. The Infantry Officers are just shaking their heads and are secretly pleased that the arrogant SF guys will fi...

What do you call a group of Czechoslovakian special forces guarding a piece of road?

Disabled people have earned the word “special.” Special needs, special school and special requirements...

So it always alarms me when I hear special forces going to war!

What do you call an autistic guy in the army?

Special Forces

(my friend said this, i dont know if this is a repost)

The United States, China and Russia are attending a military exercise competition

To see which army is the strongest, the United Nations placed three rabbits in three forests.the one spent least time and sent least soldiers wins.
On day one, the U.S. Army go first. They spent half a day meeting to formulate a battle plan, strictly divide the labor, and then sent a hundred spe...

There are so many politically correct terms for disabled people nowadays...

Things like "special needs," "special ed," and "special Olympics," that's why it worries me so much when I hear of the "special forces" going to war.

What do you do if you're too stupid for the Army?

A father and his daughter work together at target

One day, the father asked, "Do you want to bag items or work at the register?"
She responded, "I'll bag daddy,” and was taken out by U.S. special forces.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

R/jokes

Three Veterans were gathered around a campfire during a vacation after their tours ended. They tried to regale each other with tales of valor. Each attempted to outdo the other.

The Army Ranger talked of his many kills in Afghanistan and how he once picked off a Taliban sniper at 1000 mete...

An elite military unit is now full of disabled people.

They call it the 'Special Forces'.

(90's Dictator Joke) So Clinton, Blair and Mubarak are playing ball in Egypt

They kick the ball and it falls into the crocodile-infested Nile. Clinton says, "Not to worry, one of our marines will get it back", and he asks a marine to go get it. The Marine sees the crocodiles fighting each other and says, "Sorry, I have a family and kids I want to raise". So Tony Blair goes, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Army Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Georgia and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale .'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagl...

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North Korean soldiers perform 'extreme martial arts' show

I took everything away. He went to another room, and I remained on my knees in the hallway, my whole face was tousled with. Red hair, my clothes and face were mixed with grease, saliva and the rest of semen. And how will you go home.

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Pica released the guard and closed the door. -Huli are you hiding in the toilets. I'll get mine anyway, bitch.



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